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Hey y’all! Hope your 2021 has been going well…and I REALLY HOPE that we can get on the good side of this pandemic and I can see y’all back at the comedy clubs soon! But until then…I’ve got a few things cooking! My latest comedy album has been engineered and mixed! We are working on the album cover art as we speak! Hoping for an early summer release…just in time too, because if you’re like me, you have probably run out of things to listen to over the past year! (But then again, those N.W.A and David Allan Coe albums never get old do they?)

Also, due to not being able to perform for the past year, I decided to start writing a book! It’s about a little bit of everything and a whole bunch of nothing! Anyway, I’m hoping to have it on the shelves this year as well! So stay tuned! Oh, and another way to get all the latest and greatest is to make sure you are hooked up with me on social media…drunken rants, one liners, and all sorts of inappropriate pictures….so join me, won’t you? Talk soon!

www.instagram.com/realjonasgarvin

www.facebook.com/jonasgarvin

Ask some people if they will get the vaccine, and this is their response…

“No way in Hell I will get that vaccine! Those Doctors and Scientists with all their education don’t know enough to let us know if it’s safe or not. I refuse to put anything in my body that I don’t know about.”

Ask the same people if they want to go out and drink well tequila, do lines of cocaine off a nightclub bathroom toilet, with a dirty dollar bill up their nose, and then perhaps smoke some crystal meth made of unknown chemicals by a guy who lives in a trailer park in the desert…

And the answer is always a resounding…

HELL YES!

These are my people.

Gotta love America…land of the hypocrite.

Well, sort of! Hey y’all, as many of you know, I was really hoping to record another comedy special in 2020, but we all know how this year has worked out. Hey, I’m not complaining, I’m not on a respirator and the liquor stores have been delivering, so all things considered, I’ve had 2020 pretty good! So here’s the thing, when I work the road, I always try to record the shows. So, being that we can’t record a special this year, I thought, why not take one of those road shows and turn it into an album?!?! So that’s what we’re gonna do! Hoping to have it wrapped up and ready for distribution for the holiday season! So stay safe, and STAY TUNED for my FOURTH comedy special available soon!

You gotta love America, home of the hypocrite.

“I don’t care what athletes have to say! I just want them to shut up and play!”

“I don’t care what what musicians, actors, comedians, or ANYONE in the entertainment business has to say! Just entertain me and stay out of politics!”

Same people…

“You know, I think a REALITY TV star would be a great President! I’m gonna vote for him and listen to everything he says like it’s the word of God”.

Murica! FUCK YEA!

I remember immediately after the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, that America was united as I had never seen before. We were all AMERICANS. We were UNITED against a common enemy, the terrorists.

But now, I see a very different country. One that is DIVIDED beyond belief, and it’s sad. Because now we have a new enemy. The Corona Virus. And rather than unite and fight this thing, we chose to argue amongst ourselves like a bunch of whiny bitches.

But I have a solution. Let’s pretend The Corona Virus is a bunch of brown people that ride camels, carry AK-47s, and live in caves in The Middle East, because NOTHING unites Americans like an excuse to bomb the shit out of dirt worshiping goat herders that pray to a different God! We could even give the virus a new name, how about instead of Covid 19, we call it “Al-Corona”.

Then, there is no more arguing. We become united in the fight against “Al-Corona”! Every car has an American Flag waving from it, and EVERYONE is united against a common enemy! Another sweet byproduct of this would be no more racism! Remember after 9/11 how that disappeared for a while too? There was no black or white, just AMERICAN!

Now I know some of you are saying, “But Jonas, if there is a clear enemy in this, it’s China! That’s where the virus came from, why don’t we just bomb the shit out of them?”

Simple. Because that sweet and sour chicken is just too fucking good.

Oh, I know, because we are a nation of idiots. Anyways, I was emailing back and forth with some friends of mine in New Zealand this week regarding the pandemic and what not. I asked how things were going down there, because I heard from different news sites, they were pretty much back to normal, and since I like to get my info from different sources, I figured I would just ask my friends.

I reached out and was told this. YES! They have been back to normal since April, and not some bullshit “new normal” that we are probably gonna have to deal with for quite some time here in The States. I was told when New Zealand was first warned about the virus, they just shut everything down for a month! Only things open were grocery stores, gas stations, hospitals, and other essential services. People did not leave their homes except for essential trips, and when they did, they wore a mask (even though there was no mandate or law to do so). They locked down their borders, listened to the experts, and kicked Corona’s ass!

Now, they are BACK TO NORMAL! Going to the movies (even though there is no new movies…but hey, who doesn’t want to see TOP GUN for the millionth time? They go to bars. They go to restaurants. They do what they want without a mask these days because they rallied together as a country, and did what they had to do. Even though it probably inconvenienced many of them for a WHOLE month or so!

But here’s the best part…you know what? They DID NOT have any of their “freedoms” taken from them. They didn’t have any microchips “implanted” in their heads. They didn’t have any “vaccination barcodes” tattooed on their foreheads. They can STILL use cash, and they didn’t think that they were being “played” by some “deep state baby eating conspiracy”.

They just got together as a country. You know, kinda like we used to do in America! Oh wait, we don’t do that anymore…probably because Corona Virus isn’t some camel jockey with a funny name that like to hijack planes. Damn shame. Could you imagine how UNITED we would be if Corona virus looked like a brown skinned, long bearded, RPG launching, HIGH JACKER? I bet even every Donald Trump MAGA hat purchased would even come with a face mask and some hand sanitizer!

But please, before you start your “New Zealand is an island! New Zealand has different laws! New Zealand ain’t America!” argument, just know this.

I agree with you. New Zealand AIN’T America. And as an American, it shames me to say that.

Hey y’all! I know there is a lot going on in the world right now, and it can get pretty overwhelming, especially on social media. Everyone seems to be posting this or that, arguing about this or that, and if you’re like me, you just want to make sense of it all! Luckily, like always, I am here to help. I have developed a quick reference guide that should help you make sense of what people are really trying to say on social media. Hope this helps!

When someone says “I DID THE RESEARCH” what they are really trying to say is…”I googled something”.

When someone tells you “DO THE RESEARCH” they are trying to tell you they think you are stupid because you don’t agree with them.

When someone tells you they are “WOKE” they are telling you they just read an article from an unproven news source. (Usually involving aliens and the upcoming invasion)

When someone says “YOU NEED A HISTORY LESSON” odds are, they also believe Donald Trump was a “Founding Father”.

When someone says “SOME STUDIES SHOW” it usually means they don’t believe in science or facts.

More to come later, but this should get you started!!! Stay safe out there and thanks for stopping by!

Just heard on the news that President Trump will sign an executive order to protect Federal Statues and Monuments…

Good news! Living citizens still can’t get health care, but inanimate objects can.

USA! USA! USA! #freepizzaandvodka

These are great days we’re living in! By that, I mean I think it’s great that no longer do you have to accept something as news, if you don’t agree with it!

Example…

A few months back, when The WHO was first telling everyone about Covid-19, I heard many people saying things like “I don’t agree!” “The virus is a scam” “The WHO has NO idea what it’s talking about” etc. etc. etc.

But recently, The WHO has stated that they think asymptomatic transfer of the virus is very rare. Prompting the same people to now proclaim “SEE I TOLD YOU! The WHO said it’s not transferred as easily as they thought!”

WAIT! I Thought The WHO was full of shit?!? But now, they come out with a statement that you like, and all of a sudden you consider them a reliable source.

OHHHHH, I get it. If you like something, it’s FACTS!
If you don’t, it’s FAKE NEWS!

This is COOL! I Think I’m gonna start using this tool as well! But I think I’m gonna save mine until football season…

Example…Bears lose…FAKE NEWS! BEARS WIN…FACTS!

HELL, I might even just use it for everything the rest of my life.

Hey y’all! I hope you’re all doing well during this crazy time, and I also hope you have realized the joys of morning drinking by now! (Welcome to my world)

But all kidding aside, hope y’all are doing your best to support those Mom n Pop shops, because now is when they need it most! So remember, next time you need something from the hardware store or some take out food, KEEP IT IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD! Below is a list of a few great spots here in Los Angeles…and I know many of you don’t live in L.A., so wherever you are, tell me your favorite local spot, and I’ll give them a shout out too!!! CHEERS!

The Smokehouse, Burbank,CA

Ernies Taco House, N Hollywood, CA

Raffalo’s Pizza, Hollywood, CA

Vivoli Cafe, Hollywood, CA

Rainbow Bar and Grill, W Hollywood, CA

Hoys Wok, Hollywood, CA

These are just a few! Feel free to send me more so I can add to the list!!!!